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>> that's our show, please join us tomorrow at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen. >> you can never remember what kim kardashian did in the first place that you know who kim kardashian is but there she is. and now you know who she is so whatever she does, then you got to cover it i feel captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much ( cheers and applause ). thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, let's get straight to the top story tonight-- me. ( laughter ) the world is abuzz over last night's show. it was my third annual colbchella concert series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. ( laughter ) my star-studded video tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. ( cheers
. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much ( cheers and applause ). thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, let's get straight to the top story tonight-- me. ( laughter ) the world is abuzz over last night's show. it was my third annual colbchella concert series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. ( laughter ) my star-studded video tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. ( cheers and applause ). yes. i am deeply hurt in that i believe i tore my hams string. ( laughter ) now, folks, if you weren't here last night, you're probably in daft punk. ( laughter ) these guys-- they were a no-show because of an alleged exclusive agreement to appear on mtv, i assume because they're 16 and pregnant. ( laughter ) but it turns out, it turns out-- that's what i thought-- but it turns out, as i explained in minute det
of audience. please join us tomorrow tomorrow night. here it is, your moment of zen. >> anthony weiner, carlos danger will withdraw from the mayoral election. >> farewell, carlos. he's a goner. bye, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central onight, troubling news from the arctic. that iceberg that sunk the titanic has never been brought to justice. then how much should voters know about the candidates? i'd say more than mitt romney, less than anthony weiner. and my guest, dr. atul gawande has written about how ideas catch on. i always heard you got them from a toilet seat. cnn is offering do's and don't's for summertime sex. first don't: watch cnn. sthis is the colbert report. ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you know, folks, you know, folks, what you just did there... [ cheers and applause ] please, folks. i've got tell you, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. that chanting of my name you just
! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for freedom. folks, thank you so much. thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. i'm sorry, that kind of love. i had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. he has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. i knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty with au bon pain. well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. more than a month after landing atmos you could's airport ed snowden now is on the move for the first time. the nsa leaker said to be leaving the airport, officially entering russia after being granted temporary asylum. >> stephen: yes, he has got answer sigh lum in russia where vladimir putin shares snowden's passion for transparency. and folks there is startling new information on the nsa's secret surveillance programs. it turns out even as he w
. but this one includes canada and u.s. oh, that is an international tour. is my passport valid? we'll find out! hey, if you can't make it there, may 29th i'm in vegas. i do have some sad news to report from the tosh.o family. over the break, one of our writers lost his grandma. >> oooh. >> save your pity. he made out on a -- like bandit on our grandma wide office death pool. here's how it works. everyone with a living grandma pays in a dollar a day until one of them dies. jim got lucky when his grandma croaked at day 214. he won the pot. an autopsy was not performed, so i suspect foul play. it's not all good news for jim, though. he's one of two people in the show who comes from alabama and the crazy thing is they're actually proud of it. i find that extremely annoying. so i constantly make them write jokes about how stupid their state is. the problem is, he just got -- bama just got its -- i refuse to let a natural disaster destroy alabama. that's my job. i'm asking you to help get that overweight racist state back on its feet so we can continue to make fun of it. to make a $10 donation to th
>> john: that's our show. join us tomorrow night. here it is your moment of zen. >> there are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach that we've taken over the years. i'm in one today in captioning sponsored by comedy central onight small town values are under attack. oh, no, did that footloose kid start dancing again? then is the government trying to get inside our heads? why else would they have a secretary of the interior? and my guest kevin spacey stars in the house of cards as a scheming congressman. i'll asked him why he switched to documentaries. in boston, mobster whitey bulger has been convicted on 31 counts. here in new york, tighty whitey bulger continues his run for mayor. this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympic
. blackberries are the things old people use because typing on iphones is scary. [laughter] apparently to get a rim job, you've got to french kiss a lot of ass. [laughter] by the way, if you go to the commissary, i hear they have great tossed salad. [laughter] alright, that's enough. next week, the hurdle girls stop by for our first ever web rematch. [laughter] i assume that was the olympics. [laughter] alright, now it's time for comedy central's favorite part of the show. the plugs. my new stand-up special "happy thoughts" premieres march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com and feel free to submit your own videos. and finally, last week i asked my sexiest twitter followers to send me videos of them burping. i don't know why we're doing this, but we do have 30 episodes to fill this year, so suck it. [laughter] [burping] [burping] [burping] >> bye-bye! [applause] >> stephen: tonight, will hillary clinton run in 2016? and will joe biden run into a glass door? then, a family activity gets a mod
and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to young people about their life that they could be arrested? apparently
.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> john: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the reason why you don't see movies like "death wish" and "the warriors" is because you captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, you're very kind. (cheers and applause) nation, nation, i don't want to alarm anyone but when you leave my studio tonight, you may very well be hunted for sport. because yesterday new york city became a kill zone. >> a federal judge has ruled new york city's controversial stop and frisk program violates the constitutional rights of minorities by "conducting stops in a racially discriminatory manner." >> stephen: that's right, folks. unelected activist judge has rejected stop and frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have a constitutional right not to be stopped at random and man handle bid strangers. (laughter) despite the fact that when the constitution
night, on comedy central. we'll be here all next week. please join us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> once i got the opportunity, i was in business. so kids i want to you listen up. never talk a good job down. . >> tonight shocking news out of bit mo, something got out of gitmo. then san diego's mayor get as caused of gross sexual misconduct. in a related story the san diego zoo is expecting a baby panda. and my guest brian cranston stars in the final season of breaking bad but don't worry the story c ontinues in america's crippling meth epidemic. (laughter) science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur-- urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for free
they go? no one knows. (laughter) folks, what about the most widely used american transportation system of all? legs. with all the threats out there, wouldn't you feel more comfortable with the t.s.a. agent clings to one at all times? (laughter) there are some people out there who say the world is getting safer, we can't let our fear of crime and terrorists change our way of life. here to defend the "let them kill us" view is neuroscientist and author of "the better angels of our nature: why violence has declined" steven pinker. mr. pinker, thanks for coming back. (cheers and applause) the book is called "the better angels of our nature: why violence has declined." before we get started, can you put out your arms, please? (laughter) just want to make sure you're good. tk-pb foe what you were hiding under that helmet. okay. how can you say that we are safer? 9/11! >> 9/11 was off the charts 3,000 people were killed every year in this country alone, 16,000 people are killed by ordinary homicides, 40,000 people kill themselves, 3,000 people die by drowning, 300 of them in bathtubs. >> step
us. i don't blame you for being so happy tonight, folks, this is a huge night. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, okay. as you know every year on the report i hold a summer concert series called colbchella. [ cheers and applause ] and year after year, it is always headlined by the hottest names in music. dr. pepper. t-mobile wireless and of course pepsi, the official drink of "we don't have coke, is pepsi okay?" well, folks, this year the antiestablishment convention destroying rock-and-roll ethos is brought to you by hyundai. the silent "y" stands for youth marketing. in fact, they've even given me a sizable check in exchange for which i promise to deliver them the undisputed song of the summer. so, jimmy, juice it. >> hyundai presents the song of the summer of the century. it ain't the heat. it's the rock-middity. with special guest daft punk. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's right, folks. french electro-pop megastars daft punk, the artists behind the hit "get lucky" on the colbert report, was something that was going to happen when we made this graphic. unfort
÷÷ñ?oggyggyÑ?w >> john: that's our show. summer is over. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the brain child of tessla motors and space-x ceo elon musk says... >> i think it's pronounced a different way. >> how is it pronounced? i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thanks so much. folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the "today" show. i watch all nine hours every morning. (laughter) it's my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and who's sharting in the white house. (laughter) well, on friday "today" had my favorite rapper, flo-rida. the last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. (laughter) far and away mr. rida is the best state-named based rapper out there. even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and,
.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> fish are biting in the water of sweden. >> it's known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. but get this: the fish can also captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thanks so much. folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the "today" show. i watch all nine hours every morning. (laughter) it's my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and who's sharting in the white house. (laughter) well, on friday "today" had my favorite rapper, flo-rida. the last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. (laughter) far and away mr. rida is the best state-named based rapper out there. even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and, orthodox jewish hip-hop artist ari zona. (laughter) holla! (cheers and applause) and i applaud the venerable institution that is "today"
d8p8$ >> that's our show, please join us tomorrow at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen. >> you can never remember what kim kardashian did in the first place that you know who kim kardashian is but there she is. and now you know who she is so whatever she does, then you got to cover it i feel captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation... >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: please, sit down, everybody. please, we've got to get going. folks, nation, lock your doors and board up your windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's
, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. that chanting of my name you just did, i don't care what anybody says, that's the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] nation, folks, if you watch this show you know i always bring you the hottest developments from around the world. and thanks to global warming, it don't get no hotter than the arctic because the north pole, otherwise known as the top of our planet's ice-toupee, is now a lake. which means the actual pole itself has gone from "charming landmark" to "thing to climb for survival." which of course brings us to tonight's installment of smokin' pole: the quest for arctic riches. folks, after a month of temperatures two to five degrees higher than average, the north pole has gone from this to this. now, no surprise the ice melted. the north pole is at the top of the earth so it's closer to the sun. that's just science. this, of course, is bad news for superman who is finally out of excuses for why he's never had aquaman over. "you would hate it. it's frozen." but on the plus side, now we know why santa's been giving us all t
for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, you're very kind. (cheers and applause) nation, nation, i don't want to alarm anyone but when you leave my studio tonight, you may very well be hunted for sport. because yesterday new york city became a kill zone. >> a federal judge has ruled new york city's controversial stop and frisk program violates the constitutional rights of minorities by "conducting stops in a racially discriminatory manner." >> stephen: that's right, folks. unelected activist judge has rejected stop and frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have a constitutional right not to be stopped at random and man handle bid strangers. (laughter) despite the fact that when the constitution was written minorities weren't even invented yet. (laughter) i think. thankfully mayor bloomberg says he will fight to preserve stop and frisk because he knows you can't make a safety omelet without breaking a few brown eggs. (audience reacts) jim? >> we go to where the reports of crime are. those unfortunately happen to be poor neighborhoods and my *r minority neighborhood. >> stephen: o
") welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thanks so much. folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the "today" show. i watch all nine hours every morning. (laughter) it's my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and who's sharting in the white house. (laughter) well, on friday "today" had my favorite rapper, flo-rida. the last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. (laughter) far and away mr. rida is the best state-named based rapper out there. even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and, orthodox jewish hip-hop artist ari zona. (laughter) holla! (cheers and applause) and i applaud the venerable institution that is "today" for giving mr. rida a forum for discussing his love of big, juicy butts. ♪ i wanna see that butt ♪ turn left, turn right ♪ turn around, you can tell what i like ♪ (laughter) >> stephen: now, that may seem like a large serving of butt for breakfast-- (laughter) -- but remember "today" waited until 8:47 a.m. that's just journalism 10 1. 6:00 a.m., hard news; 7:00 a.m. human in
>> john: join us tomorrow night. here it is your moment of zen. >> what pissed me off was him on the campaign trail saying, "oh, i've changed" and trying to act like he had a perfect marriage now. >> the hipocracy got to you. >> yeah. >> this chick is so captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by >> stephen: tonight, will hillary clinton run in 2016? and will joe biden run into a glass door? then, a family activity gets a modern update. kids, if you don't stop fighting, this google car will turn itself around. and my guest, emily matchar says women are embracing traditional home making activities like canning and knitting. i'll join in the fun by working a 12-hour day and then having a massive coronary. simon cowell has reportedly impregnated his friend's wife. that is shocking. simon cowell has a friend. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report. good to have you with us, thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! [ cheers and applause
you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, folks, you know we are still-- if you know anything about the news business, folks, august is notoriously a slow news month. who can forget the summer of '75 when walter cronkite did a ten part series on spoons, the middle child of the dinner table. (laughter) still, every few augusts you get a story so big you can't help but sink your teeth into it. and tonight i'm proud to say we have the latest on the gripping story of the rodeo clown who put on an obama mask. (laughter) yes, i'm sure you all know. some said the media would be thrown off this rodeo story in a second. (laughter) but nobody, nobody rides this kind of bull like the heroes of cable news. jim? >> from the state fair asked the crowd if they wanted to see a rodeo clown with an obama mask run down by a bull. another clown playing with the obama mask slips. >> a rodeo clown w
of using armed drones to kill people without due process --. >> stephen: there is due process. the process is that we do it. >> innocent civilians are obliterated when something comes out of the blue. >> stephen: i'm not pro-civilian obliteration, i want to be on record. (laughter) >> then we should stop. >> stephen: it takes a tremendous amount of courage for me to say that. (laughter) i'm sure you can understand. you are the only quaker in congress. >> yes. >> stephen: quaker is a pacifist religion. >> it's anti-war. quakers are proud of looking for alternatives to war. >> stephen: would you engage me a thumb war? let's do it. one, two, three, four -- wait, no, that's cheating. >> (laughs) >> stephen: you just -- first first striking ability, something the united states has promised to never do. one, two, three, four, i declare a thumb war. (audience chanting "stephen") good luck on tuesday, the stars say it's very favorable. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: let's put new jersey's 12th up on the big board! (cheers and applause) looks like somebody in princeton just failed their nuclear
us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) gag gifts. folks, i'm a sensitive guy. i cried when those hunters shot bambi's mother. they should have shot his dad. he is a 10 point buck. so naturally i was touched when i heard about a family living near a pennsylvania fracking site who had to move because air and water contaminants caused them to experience burning eyes, sore throats, headaches and earaches. ultimately the family was able to get the company rang resources to agree to an out-of-court settlement for $750,000 to relocate. wow. for that kind of money you could buy something nice. now in return, in return the company simply asked for a signed statement from the family saying that it suffered no environmental health or safety impact from drilling adjacent to their property. and to agree to lifetime bans on what they can say. because if a tree falls in the forest and you pay the family who heard it not to talk, then it didn't make a sound. (laughter) (applause) now-- no wonder-- (cheers and applause) i say no wonder gag orders like this are so common. >> bloomberg reviewed hun
told us what the government was doing? oh, my god! he was working for the american people. oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] make sense. we were paying his salary. you know, folks, i'm not surprised. i never trusted that bunch. do you know what they did to the indians, right? i mean, johnny depp alone. and now that we know who manning was feeding all the government secrets to, i mean, somebody should be keeping an eye on these people. oh, they are? oh, good. that's good to know. [ cheers and applause ] without a doubt. folks, yesterday president obama gave a major about the economy at an amazon distribution center. i think he chose amazon because they're going to start equipping congressmen with a "buy now" button. i wasn't really paying that much attention to the speech because today's president is yesterday's news. particularly if you're watching a rerun of this show. now, like every other journalist, i want to know what will happen in 2016. well, yesterday we got our first clue when hillary clinton stopped by the white house. >> she spent about two hours in the white house. the q
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 63 (some duplicates have been removed)

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